My daughter is 4 already and life is really good~
I'm happy and healthy!!!
10.23.2009
7.28.2008
It's been awhile.....
It's Monday, I'm working my second job of the day and I can't stop thinking about the things that I am thankful for today~
* true unconditional love
* a wonderful home that we call our own, together
* my daughter's beautiful voice, and the way she calls me "momma"
* living next door to amazing people
* music
* family
* best friends (I am lucky because this and family go hand in hand)
* new friends
* new jobs/new opportunities
* paychecks :)
* comfy clothes
* more positive self image
* lost weight (that is something I do not want to find!)
* Mexican food (I am so hungry!!)
* my Blackberry
* Blogger (to keep a gal entertained)
Obviously there's more..... enough for today :)
xoxoxo
2.06.2008
1.15.2008
It's 2008.... Please take a moment to....
Pause awhile
We all need time to reflect,
To put things in perspective.
To see the truly valuable things in our life,
and to appreciate them.
To reflect properly, we must be calm and balanced.
Put your life on pause.
Sit on a quiet beach,
or in a tranquil garden.
Somewhere you can muse without distraction.
Calmness and balance will join you there.
We all need time to reflect,
To put things in perspective.
To see the truly valuable things in our life,
and to appreciate them.
To reflect properly, we must be calm and balanced.
Put your life on pause.
Sit on a quiet beach,
or in a tranquil garden.
Somewhere you can muse without distraction.
Calmness and balance will join you there.
1.14.2008
More Shayna
Her celebration of life was held on top of Aqua Serene on November 24th, 2007. It was absolutely amazing. Just how Shayna would have planned it....
And on December 29th, 2007...we rocked hard for our Shayna girl....
I love you my sister, you are forever in my heart......
11.27.2007
Beautiful Shayna Kai....
Words cannot express how much I miss you...
Rest in Peace, my sweetest friend....best friends and sisters forever!!In honor of Thanksgiving and how I've been feeling....
Things to be Thankful for:
- First and foremost....Health~ my daughter's, mine and those who surround me
- True Love (aka: Emily Jane)
- Brent & Sarah
- My parents
- Friendships
- My Faith in self
- The roof over our heads, thank you Mom and Dad
- My job/paycheck
- Passion
- My car
- Wood Stoves
- My cell phone
- Music
- Food
- Fleece Blankets
- Toilet Paper & Feminine Products!
10.07.2007
10.01.2007
Just so you know.....
....the old Bri is back!
I have emerged from a really unhappy place....and I have once again become myself! I am no longer afraid to be myself....the silly, dorky, happy self that I truly am.
If you knew me before...you know what I am talking about ;)
I am so happy with who I am, and where my life is....thank you to everyone who held on for the ride~ I love you....and I love me and my life!!!
I have emerged from a really unhappy place....and I have once again become myself! I am no longer afraid to be myself....the silly, dorky, happy self that I truly am.
If you knew me before...you know what I am talking about ;)
I am so happy with who I am, and where my life is....thank you to everyone who held on for the ride~ I love you....and I love me and my life!!!
6.24.2007
WishList
This is the car I want:
It's super hot and it's super safe. There are so many safety features, it's not even funny. I want one....bad.
And I want these jeans:
It's super hot and it's super safe. There are so many safety features, it's not even funny. I want one....bad.
And I want these jeans:
They are so cute, and they are $42. Should I spend that money.....probably not right now. :(
6.23.2007
Me, Myself and My Mini~Breakdown
As great as things have been for Emily and I lately...the inevitable finally happened. We were in the middle of Sarah's Graduation Party at their apartment in Seattle. Let me explain everything leading up to this event.
First of all, Emily and I completely uprooted our life as we knew it in Eugene at the end of May. We completely relocated from Eugene, Oregon to La Center, Washington to live with my parents. Wow, what a change. It has absolutely been for the better, almost instantly.
After a couple of weeks off from work, I started orienting to my new job in Labor & Delivery. My orientation schedule has been full time evenings. This has really done a number on our schedule together as Mother and Daughter. Her sleeping schedule is way off whack and she has become extremely whiny for mommy all of her waking hours. All of whining began when I started leaving for work in the middle of the day and taking her to daycare when she should be getting down to sleep for her nap. It has been an enormous struggle dealing with her screwed up nap- and sleep-times. One positive thing about this schedule is that she has really gotten close to Grandma. And Grandma has gotten closer to Miss Emily.
I hardly ever see Mom, if she's working, she's gone before I get up and then I'm off to work before she gets home. And of course, everyone's asleep when I get home. And after work I'd love to sit and relax with a glass of wine...watch some HGTV or surf on the internet a little. But by the time I get home, it's way too late, even if I'm wide awake, because I know I'll have to get up super early with Baby Girl.
Needless to say, this schedule isn't for us. (Thankfully I'm switching to Day Shift in a couple of days.) Anyways.... back to my story. I took Friday off for Sarah's Graduation in Seattle. I had worked Mon - Thurs and had to be back to work for Sat - Mon. Mom, Emily and I got up at 6:30 on Friday morning (much to my dismay) in order to get everything ready and drive up to Seattle in time to prepare for the party after the Graduation. I was super tired! We loaded up and headed North. Emily fell asleep before we left the driveway. Pretty soon Mom layed her head down and nodded out. I could hardly keep my eyes open!
When we arrived in Seattle we got to work right away decorating Brent and Sarah's apartment and preparing food for the reception. FOB called and wanted to talk to Emily. As soon as she got on the phone, he had to go and wanted me to call him back later. I get so super irritated when he does this. It will always be about him and when he has time. Anyways, we had to do a little more shopping at the grocery store as well. Then we had to get ready for her Graduation event. By this time, Emily is getting pretty cranky, acting like she's ready for her 2nd nap! She & I fall asleep in the Durango on the way to Graduation (thank goodness Brentie wanted to drive). When we got there, we put Em in the stroller. It was a fairly small Event Center with a fairly small group of people. Of course the ceremony had already started. After only a couple of minutes (naturally), Emily is so bored. She starts being a little fussy & whiny. We get up to walk around a little and she just doesn't want to be quiet!
The ceremony didn't last too long.... and then we were on our way back to the apartment. Some of Sarah's family actually beat us there! I didn't really get to help Mom do too much, Emily was being pretty demanding for my attention and shy of guests. Brent and Sarah's apartment is far from baby-proofed, so I am on edge with her toddling around. I tried to enjoy my glass of wine, but in between chasing after Emily and my munching on the appetizers (because I am starving), it took hours to finish a glass! Emily starts getting pretty whiny and asking for "ba-ba". I am thinking to myself that this is probably a great idea, it's getting late! She's in her jammies, so I get her bottle ready and go into the bedroom. As soon as we get in there and turn off the lights, she get very anwry with me. She wants to play on the bed, pull on the blinds, hit me, kick me.....on and on. I am trying to be so patient, she is getting more whiny and obnoxious. Grandma knocks on the door to offer help. I hand her the bottle, say "yes, please take her for the rest of the night" and I locked myself into the bathroom.
This is the point where I lost it. I just sat down and started sobbing. At that moment my emotions were so overwhelming! I felt so much frustration of doing everything alone! I felt like I wasn't able to enjoy anything. I felt sadness about being alone. I felt sadness about where my life is. I felt sadness about everything that has led to where we are today. I felt such overwhelming guilt about feeling frustrated with Emily! I didn't want to be upset with my daughter and that was the worst feeling. It's not her fault! I sat there for a while, just crying and letting it all out. I began to realize that I honestly haven't had a chance to have a good cry in a long time. I've been too wrapped up with being happy for Emily and making sure she's happy and all her needs are met that I really have never sat down and been able to feel the feelings or cry about what has happened to me and to us. (Oh yah, and I quit smoking)
So, I blow my nose, dry my tears and I go back into the bedroom where Emily is now happily playing and loving on Grandma. Mom asks me if everything is okay. I start crying again and tell her no. I told her that I'm feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and so GUILTY for feeling this way. My brother is in the room with us. He comes over to me and puts his arm around me. My momma tells me that this is all so normal and that everyone is more than happy to help with little Emily. My sweet pea, bless her heart for she is such a momma's girl, starts whining for me to pick her up off of the bed. I have to add that the whiny voice is really wearing on me because she does not whine to anyone else. Uncle Brentie swoops up Emily and takes her to the living room to play. It's at this point that I realize again how awesome my family is. And I also wonder to myself, "why do I wait so long to ask for help"?
Sarah gets me a full glass of wine, we go to the living room and I'm feeling better already. They are busy entertaining Emily (and an apartment full of guests) and I am able to attempt relaxation. I also smoked a cigarette (ok, three) and decided not to be so hard on myself about it. I decided to quit smoking at a pretty stressful time in my life.
I ended up really enjoying the rest of my evening. Emily had fun playing with family and other guests and I felt relief. It really felt so good to finally cry. I have been waiting since September of last year to have a good cry. I think this was only the tip of the iceburg as far as crying and healing go, but I'm on my way. And ya know, I'm doing pretty damn good considering what I've been through.
First of all, Emily and I completely uprooted our life as we knew it in Eugene at the end of May. We completely relocated from Eugene, Oregon to La Center, Washington to live with my parents. Wow, what a change. It has absolutely been for the better, almost instantly.
After a couple of weeks off from work, I started orienting to my new job in Labor & Delivery. My orientation schedule has been full time evenings. This has really done a number on our schedule together as Mother and Daughter. Her sleeping schedule is way off whack and she has become extremely whiny for mommy all of her waking hours. All of whining began when I started leaving for work in the middle of the day and taking her to daycare when she should be getting down to sleep for her nap. It has been an enormous struggle dealing with her screwed up nap- and sleep-times. One positive thing about this schedule is that she has really gotten close to Grandma. And Grandma has gotten closer to Miss Emily.
I hardly ever see Mom, if she's working, she's gone before I get up and then I'm off to work before she gets home. And of course, everyone's asleep when I get home. And after work I'd love to sit and relax with a glass of wine...watch some HGTV or surf on the internet a little. But by the time I get home, it's way too late, even if I'm wide awake, because I know I'll have to get up super early with Baby Girl.
Needless to say, this schedule isn't for us. (Thankfully I'm switching to Day Shift in a couple of days.) Anyways.... back to my story. I took Friday off for Sarah's Graduation in Seattle. I had worked Mon - Thurs and had to be back to work for Sat - Mon. Mom, Emily and I got up at 6:30 on Friday morning (much to my dismay) in order to get everything ready and drive up to Seattle in time to prepare for the party after the Graduation. I was super tired! We loaded up and headed North. Emily fell asleep before we left the driveway. Pretty soon Mom layed her head down and nodded out. I could hardly keep my eyes open!
When we arrived in Seattle we got to work right away decorating Brent and Sarah's apartment and preparing food for the reception. FOB called and wanted to talk to Emily. As soon as she got on the phone, he had to go and wanted me to call him back later. I get so super irritated when he does this. It will always be about him and when he has time. Anyways, we had to do a little more shopping at the grocery store as well. Then we had to get ready for her Graduation event. By this time, Emily is getting pretty cranky, acting like she's ready for her 2nd nap! She & I fall asleep in the Durango on the way to Graduation (thank goodness Brentie wanted to drive). When we got there, we put Em in the stroller. It was a fairly small Event Center with a fairly small group of people. Of course the ceremony had already started. After only a couple of minutes (naturally), Emily is so bored. She starts being a little fussy & whiny. We get up to walk around a little and she just doesn't want to be quiet!
The ceremony didn't last too long.... and then we were on our way back to the apartment. Some of Sarah's family actually beat us there! I didn't really get to help Mom do too much, Emily was being pretty demanding for my attention and shy of guests. Brent and Sarah's apartment is far from baby-proofed, so I am on edge with her toddling around. I tried to enjoy my glass of wine, but in between chasing after Emily and my munching on the appetizers (because I am starving), it took hours to finish a glass! Emily starts getting pretty whiny and asking for "ba-ba". I am thinking to myself that this is probably a great idea, it's getting late! She's in her jammies, so I get her bottle ready and go into the bedroom. As soon as we get in there and turn off the lights, she get very anwry with me. She wants to play on the bed, pull on the blinds, hit me, kick me.....on and on. I am trying to be so patient, she is getting more whiny and obnoxious. Grandma knocks on the door to offer help. I hand her the bottle, say "yes, please take her for the rest of the night" and I locked myself into the bathroom.
This is the point where I lost it. I just sat down and started sobbing. At that moment my emotions were so overwhelming! I felt so much frustration of doing everything alone! I felt like I wasn't able to enjoy anything. I felt sadness about being alone. I felt sadness about where my life is. I felt sadness about everything that has led to where we are today. I felt such overwhelming guilt about feeling frustrated with Emily! I didn't want to be upset with my daughter and that was the worst feeling. It's not her fault! I sat there for a while, just crying and letting it all out. I began to realize that I honestly haven't had a chance to have a good cry in a long time. I've been too wrapped up with being happy for Emily and making sure she's happy and all her needs are met that I really have never sat down and been able to feel the feelings or cry about what has happened to me and to us. (Oh yah, and I quit smoking)
So, I blow my nose, dry my tears and I go back into the bedroom where Emily is now happily playing and loving on Grandma. Mom asks me if everything is okay. I start crying again and tell her no. I told her that I'm feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and so GUILTY for feeling this way. My brother is in the room with us. He comes over to me and puts his arm around me. My momma tells me that this is all so normal and that everyone is more than happy to help with little Emily. My sweet pea, bless her heart for she is such a momma's girl, starts whining for me to pick her up off of the bed. I have to add that the whiny voice is really wearing on me because she does not whine to anyone else. Uncle Brentie swoops up Emily and takes her to the living room to play. It's at this point that I realize again how awesome my family is. And I also wonder to myself, "why do I wait so long to ask for help"?
Sarah gets me a full glass of wine, we go to the living room and I'm feeling better already. They are busy entertaining Emily (and an apartment full of guests) and I am able to attempt relaxation. I also smoked a cigarette (ok, three) and decided not to be so hard on myself about it. I decided to quit smoking at a pretty stressful time in my life.
I ended up really enjoying the rest of my evening. Emily had fun playing with family and other guests and I felt relief. It really felt so good to finally cry. I have been waiting since September of last year to have a good cry. I think this was only the tip of the iceburg as far as crying and healing go, but I'm on my way. And ya know, I'm doing pretty damn good considering what I've been through.
6.09.2007
Survey #1
1.Favorite Holiday and why:
I have two favorite holidays....okay, four. First of all, I love Halloween. I just love everything about the Fall season. The pumpkins, the colors, the weather..... And dressing up as something/someone else is so fun for a day! October is my favorite month! Plus my baby girl was born in October! Secondly, I love Christmas. The Christmas season is so fun...snow, hot chocolate, the decorations, how excited the kids get.... and the chance to celebrate with family. Thirdly, Thanksgiving. A day to get together with family and really think about what you're thankful for. Everyone needs a reminder every now and then of what our blessings are and not to take such things for granted. And last but not least is the grand ol' 4th of July! It's Red, White and Blue....awesome BBQ's....friends and family....good weather....fireworks, need I say more??!!
2.Something your very passionate about and why:
I am passionate about my family. Now that I am a mother, I have become even more involved with my family. It is so important to build and learn from your foundation. My mother is the center of my life, the creator of who I am and why I am. I feel the very same about my daughter. She has created an amazing mother out of me....and an amazing daughter, sister, friend. I would do anything that I could for my family and even beyond that for my sweet daughter. She has my heart~
3.Favorite place to go on your day off and why:
I really love just staying home on my days off! But if I was going somewhere I'd go somewhere like the zoo, the park with a playground or to the lake....somewhere like that where little Em could run and play!
4.Most valuable lesson ever learned:
Not to take anything less than what you deserve!! Even though not making the change is usually a lot easier than standing up for what you believe..... you will be so proud of yourself for standing up for yourself and for what you believe in! Go with your gut instinct!! You go girl!!! ;)
5.Dream Car and why?:
I really love what I drive....my big red Durango. But if I had the money to get whatever I would like, I'd probably get a smaller SUV, something really luxurious but still kinda burly....
6.One of your most cherished memories and why?:
My entire pregnancy was wonderful, I loved every moment of it. Emily's entire birth and our first moments together. Everything from then up until now! I have been so blessed to be home with her most of the time, so we have LOTS of time together to make cherished memories!!!
7.If you could slap or punch one person, who would it be and why?
I would love to punch & kick FOB........ Sometimes I think he is just worthless
8.If you could go back and redo a time in your life, what would it be and why?:
That's a double-answered question for me..... I would love to go back and kick him in the nuts the very first time he disrespected me, cheated on me and touched me. But the "experience" that I went through was truly a quality learning/life-changing experience for me....PLUS I wouldn't change my opportunity to have Emily for anything in the world!
9.Your three best qualities:
*My smile
*My upbeat, positive personality
*I am a true, genuine & loyal friend.
10.Your three worst qualities:
*I really take things to heart, I can be too personal, too emotional.
*I am a super-procrastinator. And it's not because I don't want to get stuff done!!! I will just put something off without thinking of a time-frame and before you know it, I'm late or whatever I was supposed to do is late!
*I don't ask for help when I need it
11.What you look for in a soul mate:
Honesty, faithfulness, family-oriented, romantic, hard-working, considerate, loving, caring (I could go on....)
12.Biggest turnoff:
white trash (I'm so particular about this, it's not even funny)
13.Biggest turnon:
Honesty, smile, smells good, big strong arms & hands, saying something and really meaning it
14.How many shoes do you own?:
I own probably 10-15 pairs and only wear a couple
15.Looking in your closet, what color do you have the most of and why do you think that is?:
I probably have mostly black clothing items, my clothes are so boring!! I need to be nominated to "What not to wear"!!!!!!!!
I have two favorite holidays....okay, four. First of all, I love Halloween. I just love everything about the Fall season. The pumpkins, the colors, the weather..... And dressing up as something/someone else is so fun for a day! October is my favorite month! Plus my baby girl was born in October! Secondly, I love Christmas. The Christmas season is so fun...snow, hot chocolate, the decorations, how excited the kids get.... and the chance to celebrate with family. Thirdly, Thanksgiving. A day to get together with family and really think about what you're thankful for. Everyone needs a reminder every now and then of what our blessings are and not to take such things for granted. And last but not least is the grand ol' 4th of July! It's Red, White and Blue....awesome BBQ's....friends and family....good weather....fireworks, need I say more??!!
2.Something your very passionate about and why:
I am passionate about my family. Now that I am a mother, I have become even more involved with my family. It is so important to build and learn from your foundation. My mother is the center of my life, the creator of who I am and why I am. I feel the very same about my daughter. She has created an amazing mother out of me....and an amazing daughter, sister, friend. I would do anything that I could for my family and even beyond that for my sweet daughter. She has my heart~
3.Favorite place to go on your day off and why:
I really love just staying home on my days off! But if I was going somewhere I'd go somewhere like the zoo, the park with a playground or to the lake....somewhere like that where little Em could run and play!
4.Most valuable lesson ever learned:
Not to take anything less than what you deserve!! Even though not making the change is usually a lot easier than standing up for what you believe..... you will be so proud of yourself for standing up for yourself and for what you believe in! Go with your gut instinct!! You go girl!!! ;)
5.Dream Car and why?:
I really love what I drive....my big red Durango. But if I had the money to get whatever I would like, I'd probably get a smaller SUV, something really luxurious but still kinda burly....
6.One of your most cherished memories and why?:
My entire pregnancy was wonderful, I loved every moment of it. Emily's entire birth and our first moments together. Everything from then up until now! I have been so blessed to be home with her most of the time, so we have LOTS of time together to make cherished memories!!!
7.If you could slap or punch one person, who would it be and why?
I would love to punch & kick FOB........ Sometimes I think he is just worthless
8.If you could go back and redo a time in your life, what would it be and why?:
That's a double-answered question for me..... I would love to go back and kick him in the nuts the very first time he disrespected me, cheated on me and touched me. But the "experience" that I went through was truly a quality learning/life-changing experience for me....PLUS I wouldn't change my opportunity to have Emily for anything in the world!
9.Your three best qualities:
*My smile
*My upbeat, positive personality
*I am a true, genuine & loyal friend.
10.Your three worst qualities:
*I really take things to heart, I can be too personal, too emotional.
*I am a super-procrastinator. And it's not because I don't want to get stuff done!!! I will just put something off without thinking of a time-frame and before you know it, I'm late or whatever I was supposed to do is late!
*I don't ask for help when I need it
11.What you look for in a soul mate:
Honesty, faithfulness, family-oriented, romantic, hard-working, considerate, loving, caring (I could go on....)
12.Biggest turnoff:
white trash (I'm so particular about this, it's not even funny)
13.Biggest turnon:
Honesty, smile, smells good, big strong arms & hands, saying something and really meaning it
14.How many shoes do you own?:
I own probably 10-15 pairs and only wear a couple
15.Looking in your closet, what color do you have the most of and why do you think that is?:
I probably have mostly black clothing items, my clothes are so boring!! I need to be nominated to "What not to wear"!!!!!!!!
5.12.2007
What I Have Always Wanted....
Someone who wants to call me, for no other reason than to hear my voice
Someone who wants to flirt with me
Someone who wants to bring me flowers because I deserve them
Someone who loves family
Someone who lets me decide where we eat
Someone who wants to treat me like a princess
Someone who is proud to be with me
Someone who wants to take me to the places that I want to see
Someone who loves me endlessly and unconditionally, for me, without changing a thing!
Someone who wants to flirt with me
Someone who wants to bring me flowers because I deserve them
Someone who loves family
Someone who lets me decide where we eat
Someone who wants to treat me like a princess
Someone who is proud to be with me
Someone who wants to take me to the places that I want to see
Someone who wants to provide a home for my daughter and I
Someone who can pay their portion (or more!) of the bills!
Someone who can pay their portion (or more!) of the bills!
Someone who has their own car (and a license)!
Someone who has honesty in their heart
Someone who will respect me, always
Someone who has honesty in their heart
Someone who will respect me, always
Someone who loves me endlessly and unconditionally, for me, without changing a thing!
4.27.2007
My New Life!
I am beginning a completely new chapter of my life.... In 3 short weeks, I will have totally relocated. New state, new home, new job. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am for this change, it is something that I have needed for quite some time.... and especially now, more than ever before.
For the past 6 months, I have been taking baby steps to better enhance my life and my well-being, and most importantly, my daughter's life. I have always wanted to do whatever it takes to make sure that she grows up in a healthy, loving environment, and now I'm getting the chance to also give her the gift of family!
Thank you momma and poppa for giving us this opportunity and for being so supportive and so loving! I couldn't have asked for better parents!! Emily and I are so blessed!! We can't wait to be a family, full time!!!
For the past 6 months, I have been taking baby steps to better enhance my life and my well-being, and most importantly, my daughter's life. I have always wanted to do whatever it takes to make sure that she grows up in a healthy, loving environment, and now I'm getting the chance to also give her the gift of family!
Thank you momma and poppa for giving us this opportunity and for being so supportive and so loving! I couldn't have asked for better parents!! Emily and I are so blessed!! We can't wait to be a family, full time!!!
3.17.2007
March 17th
Happy St. Patty's Day!!!!!
Hope your day was full of sunshine, rainbows and gold!!! And no pinching!!!
1.23.2007
Always Remember
Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.
Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.
Always remember to forget
The troubles that have passed away
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day
~Author Unknown
1.20.2007
Smile for me!
A Smile costs nothing, but gives much.
It enriches those who receive, without making poorer those who give.
It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so poor, but that he can be made rich by it.
A Smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business, and is the countersign of friendship.
It brings rest to the weary, cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and it is nature's best antidote for trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen,
for it is something that is of no value to anyone, until it is given away.
Some people are too tired to give you a smile;
Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.
~Author Unknown
It enriches those who receive, without making poorer those who give.
It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so poor, but that he can be made rich by it.
A Smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business, and is the countersign of friendship.
It brings rest to the weary, cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and it is nature's best antidote for trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen,
for it is something that is of no value to anyone, until it is given away.
Some people are too tired to give you a smile;
Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.
~Author Unknown
1.09.2007
Goodbye old year, hello new year!!
Ok, time for another dedication to 2007.
I have so much pain, turmoil and aggrevation going on in my life right now, that's it's time for me to reflect upon the wonderful things in my life.
First and foremost, Emily Jane. She has brought so much joy and love into my life. Thank you so much, Emmi girl, momma has never needed you more!
My dearest momma, Cheri Ann. Thank you for being there for me, even when we are far apart! I have never needed you more in my life!!
My dearest momma, Cheri Ann. Thank you for being there for me, even when we are far apart! I have never needed you more in my life!!
My dearest and nearest friends, I appreciate all of your support and I love you more than ever! Even if we don't talk very often, I know you're there and please know that you're in my heart! I know who my true friends are!
To all of you, thank you again, I wouldn't be able to survive this without you!
1.07.2007
My BFF's
Old Friends..........
Old friends provide continuity to our lives. They love us through the good times and bad. Lifelong friends are the only ones who remember us as children or young people. They can see past growing older and back to the ponytail days. Old friends offer us context, reference points, while current friends only know who we are today. Example: when we worry about our kids (of any age), old friends can remind us that we were once just as unwise- and we survived. Old friends can provide puzzle pieces to our past. They remember people, places and circumstances that we have long forgotten. Old friends can help us see the progress we've made in life. Lifelong pals help is process the stages of life as we intimately share our joys, fears and heartaches.
Old friends provide continuity to our lives. They love us through the good times and bad. Lifelong friends are the only ones who remember us as children or young people. They can see past growing older and back to the ponytail days. Old friends offer us context, reference points, while current friends only know who we are today. Example: when we worry about our kids (of any age), old friends can remind us that we were once just as unwise- and we survived. Old friends can provide puzzle pieces to our past. They remember people, places and circumstances that we have long forgotten. Old friends can help us see the progress we've made in life. Lifelong pals help is process the stages of life as we intimately share our joys, fears and heartaches.
Then:
Now:
I love all of you so very much!! More pictures to come....old and new!!
1.01.2007
2007 is finally here!
I am really looking forward to what this new year brings me. 2006 has many bittersweet memories for me.... and I have been very excited to move on!
It held the very first year of my beautiful daughters life! And all of the joy and love that brought to my life has been the greatest gift!
It also brought the painful end to a five year relationship with the man I truly thought I was going to be with forever. Boy, have I learned a lot! And I've grown a lot!
All of the good and all of the bad.... Each has had a very valuable lesson. I am becoming really proud of the person I am! I feel like I have my true self back! I really appreciate myself as a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister. And it feels so good!
Here's to 2007, and to me!
It held the very first year of my beautiful daughters life! And all of the joy and love that brought to my life has been the greatest gift!
It also brought the painful end to a five year relationship with the man I truly thought I was going to be with forever. Boy, have I learned a lot! And I've grown a lot!
All of the good and all of the bad.... Each has had a very valuable lesson. I am becoming really proud of the person I am! I feel like I have my true self back! I really appreciate myself as a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister. And it feels so good!
Here's to 2007, and to me!
10.05.2006
Five Things....
Five uplifting things said to me:
1. "You are such a beautiful mommy, you are so natural at it."
2. "She (Emily) radiates warmth, beauty and love....just like her mother."
3. "You look just like your mother."
4. "Hello gorgeous."
5. "Can we have a daughter exactly like yours?"
Five painful things said to me:
1. "You really should reconsider ever having children." (This was before emily...)
2. "I've been dating him for the past 3 months...."
3. "He was planning on moving up here"
4. "They just really need me to work for another couple of days..."
5. "You just don't think"
Five things I'd do again in a heartbeat:
1. The first year of my childs life! Every day has been such a gift...I would never trade it for anything in the world...but I'd love to do it again! (hopefully someday I'll have more!)
2. Everything with Rocky, even through all of the pain and heartbreak I am going through now, I have the best part of him! I'd do anything for my sweet Emily Jane. Plus I have learned so much about love, life and people... I honestly wouldn't trade it. I don't know if I'll ever love like that again...it's too risky.
3. Leave the office to work at home
4. Help a girlfriend through her pregnancy
5. Go Blonde!
Five things I'd do differently:
1. I'd ask for help and support from friends and family during childbirth, delivery and recovery
2. Work harder at nursing my baby
3. Stand up for myself in school and the years to follow
4. Be exactly who I wanted to be in highschool without the fear of judgement by others
5. Exercise and eat right!
Five of my sweetest memories:
1. Finding out that we were having a baby, and knowing it had been created from pure love (Something I still know)
2. Being Pregnant
3. Holding my daughter for the first time
4. My best-friendship with my brother and growing up so close together
5. The good times with Rocky
Five memories I'd rather forget:
1. The day "she" came over
2. The ultimate in betrayal from my previous "friends"
3. Things said/done hurtful in my relationship with Rocky
4. A lot of "events" involving my father
5. Hangovers!
1. "You are such a beautiful mommy, you are so natural at it."
2. "She (Emily) radiates warmth, beauty and love....just like her mother."
3. "You look just like your mother."
4. "Hello gorgeous."
5. "Can we have a daughter exactly like yours?"
Five painful things said to me:
1. "You really should reconsider ever having children." (This was before emily...)
2. "I've been dating him for the past 3 months...."
3. "He was planning on moving up here"
4. "They just really need me to work for another couple of days..."
5. "You just don't think"
Five things I'd do again in a heartbeat:
1. The first year of my childs life! Every day has been such a gift...I would never trade it for anything in the world...but I'd love to do it again! (hopefully someday I'll have more!)
2. Everything with Rocky, even through all of the pain and heartbreak I am going through now, I have the best part of him! I'd do anything for my sweet Emily Jane. Plus I have learned so much about love, life and people... I honestly wouldn't trade it. I don't know if I'll ever love like that again...it's too risky.
3. Leave the office to work at home
4. Help a girlfriend through her pregnancy
5. Go Blonde!
Five things I'd do differently:
1. I'd ask for help and support from friends and family during childbirth, delivery and recovery
2. Work harder at nursing my baby
3. Stand up for myself in school and the years to follow
4. Be exactly who I wanted to be in highschool without the fear of judgement by others
5. Exercise and eat right!
Five of my sweetest memories:
1. Finding out that we were having a baby, and knowing it had been created from pure love (Something I still know)
2. Being Pregnant
3. Holding my daughter for the first time
4. My best-friendship with my brother and growing up so close together
5. The good times with Rocky
Five memories I'd rather forget:
1. The day "she" came over
2. The ultimate in betrayal from my previous "friends"
3. Things said/done hurtful in my relationship with Rocky
4. A lot of "events" involving my father
5. Hangovers!
9.09.2006
Feeling Alone
It's one of those days..... I'm feeling so alone. Like there's no one in the world who would ever understand how I'm feeling. Feeling this way usually pushes me further away from people. All of my life I have tried so hard to be there for everyone, to understand them and to be there for them. Sometimes I feel like I have yet to find someone who will put out that effort for me.
It's my fault.
I sugar-coat all of my feelings. How is anyone to ever know how I'm really feeling anyways if I don't tell them the real truth. I always act like everything is okay, that I'm strong, I'll be okay. Sometimes I don't feel okay. I put myself in this position and now I'm punishing myself for it.
Self-destruction.
Something that I am so good at.
Earlier when I was on the phone with one of my bestest friends, I should've told her that I was depressed and feeling so alone. I should've told her that I feel my world crumbling around me. I should've told her that I just need someone to listen and feel for me.
Because when Rocky calls, we're not very good at that kind of stuff. I pour my heart to him and I want him to feel so emotional for me, and when he doesn't - I punish him by telling him to forget it, I'm fine. I can see and hear it happening, but it's already too late.
This is one thing that I really want to change about myself. My entire life I've spent being so strong, no matter what was going on around me. It's amazing actually the things I've endured in my life. A lot of pain and sadness. But you'll probably never see me weak. Which is an amazing quality, considering. But now, I need the help of someone else. I am carrying too much. I need someone to lean on, someone to pour my heart to, someone's shoulder to cry on.
I have those kinds of friends.
But my problem is that I don't allow myself to feel so much around them. Why? Honestly, I wouldn't care if they saw me cry. I guess it's just hard for me to feel so much and be emotional around others.
Asking for help has always been my biggest issue.
That's it~
I can't ask for help. Why? When I look back, I wish I would've asked for help. I wish I would've reached out and just asked, even just for support.
And I can see that this is a huge downfall in my relationship with Rocky, too. I don't ask anyone else for support, so all of my support relies on him. I lean hugely on him. And I honestly think it's too much. Too much for him and too much for our relationship to be healthy.
This is reason numero uno why I'm relieved that we are moving to a place where I have a support system. It's not really a system thats set up yet, but just being there I can feel the love.
It's home for me. I have friends and I have family. I actually have a place to go if I need to. I would have several open homes to choose from if I needed.
And that's just what I need.
I hope this takes the stress off of Rocky. I'm sorry that I do this to him. Rocky, I am sorry.
I just need help.
(See, that wasn't so bad)
It's my fault.
I sugar-coat all of my feelings. How is anyone to ever know how I'm really feeling anyways if I don't tell them the real truth. I always act like everything is okay, that I'm strong, I'll be okay. Sometimes I don't feel okay. I put myself in this position and now I'm punishing myself for it.
Self-destruction.
Something that I am so good at.
Earlier when I was on the phone with one of my bestest friends, I should've told her that I was depressed and feeling so alone. I should've told her that I feel my world crumbling around me. I should've told her that I just need someone to listen and feel for me.
Because when Rocky calls, we're not very good at that kind of stuff. I pour my heart to him and I want him to feel so emotional for me, and when he doesn't - I punish him by telling him to forget it, I'm fine. I can see and hear it happening, but it's already too late.
This is one thing that I really want to change about myself. My entire life I've spent being so strong, no matter what was going on around me. It's amazing actually the things I've endured in my life. A lot of pain and sadness. But you'll probably never see me weak. Which is an amazing quality, considering. But now, I need the help of someone else. I am carrying too much. I need someone to lean on, someone to pour my heart to, someone's shoulder to cry on.
I have those kinds of friends.
But my problem is that I don't allow myself to feel so much around them. Why? Honestly, I wouldn't care if they saw me cry. I guess it's just hard for me to feel so much and be emotional around others.
Asking for help has always been my biggest issue.
That's it~
I can't ask for help. Why? When I look back, I wish I would've asked for help. I wish I would've reached out and just asked, even just for support.
And I can see that this is a huge downfall in my relationship with Rocky, too. I don't ask anyone else for support, so all of my support relies on him. I lean hugely on him. And I honestly think it's too much. Too much for him and too much for our relationship to be healthy.
This is reason numero uno why I'm relieved that we are moving to a place where I have a support system. It's not really a system thats set up yet, but just being there I can feel the love.
It's home for me. I have friends and I have family. I actually have a place to go if I need to. I would have several open homes to choose from if I needed.
And that's just what I need.
I hope this takes the stress off of Rocky. I'm sorry that I do this to him. Rocky, I am sorry.
I just need help.
(See, that wasn't so bad)
9.07.2006
I HAVE DECIDED....
That sometimes I need to do a little bit for myself~
This is it.
Here it is.
I intend for this blog to be my own personal journal - all about me and myself only.
This is it.
Here it is.
I intend for this blog to be my own personal journal - all about me and myself only.
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