Me, Myself and My Mini~Breakdown

As great as things have been for Emily and I lately...the inevitable finally happened. We were in the middle of Sarah's Graduation Party at their apartment in Seattle. Let me explain everything leading up to this event.
First of all, Emily and I completely uprooted our life as we knew it in Eugene at the end of May. We completely relocated from Eugene, Oregon to La Center, Washington to live with my parents. Wow, what a change. It has absolutely been for the better, almost instantly.
After a couple of weeks off from work, I started orienting to my new job in Labor & Delivery. My orientation schedule has been full time evenings. This has really done a number on our schedule together as Mother and Daughter. Her sleeping schedule is way off whack and she has become extremely whiny for mommy all of her waking hours. All of whining began when I started leaving for work in the middle of the day and taking her to daycare when she should be getting down to sleep for her nap. It has been an enormous struggle dealing with her screwed up nap- and sleep-times. One positive thing about this schedule is that she has really gotten close to Grandma. And Grandma has gotten closer to Miss Emily.
I hardly ever see Mom, if she's working, she's gone before I get up and then I'm off to work before she gets home. And of course, everyone's asleep when I get home. And after work I'd love to sit and relax with a glass of wine...watch some HGTV or surf on the internet a little. But by the time I get home, it's way too late, even if I'm wide awake, because I know I'll have to get up super early with Baby Girl.
Needless to say, this schedule isn't for us. (Thankfully I'm switching to Day Shift in a couple of days.) Anyways.... back to my story. I took Friday off for Sarah's Graduation in Seattle. I had worked Mon - Thurs and had to be back to work for Sat - Mon. Mom, Emily and I got up at 6:30 on Friday morning (much to my dismay) in order to get everything ready and drive up to Seattle in time to prepare for the party after the Graduation. I was super tired! We loaded up and headed North. Emily fell asleep before we left the driveway. Pretty soon Mom layed her head down and nodded out. I could hardly keep my eyes open!
When we arrived in Seattle we got to work right away decorating Brent and Sarah's apartment and preparing food for the reception. FOB called and wanted to talk to Emily. As soon as she got on the phone, he had to go and wanted me to call him back later. I get so super irritated when he does this. It will always be about him and when he has time. Anyways, we had to do a little more shopping at the grocery store as well. Then we had to get ready for her Graduation event. By this time, Emily is getting pretty cranky, acting like she's ready for her 2nd nap! She & I fall asleep in the Durango on the way to Graduation (thank goodness Brentie wanted to drive). When we got there, we put Em in the stroller. It was a fairly small Event Center with a fairly small group of people. Of course the ceremony had already started. After only a couple of minutes (naturally), Emily is so bored. She starts being a little fussy & whiny. We get up to walk around a little and she just doesn't want to be quiet!
The ceremony didn't last too long.... and then we were on our way back to the apartment. Some of Sarah's family actually beat us there! I didn't really get to help Mom do too much, Emily was being pretty demanding for my attention and shy of guests. Brent and Sarah's apartment is far from baby-proofed, so I am on edge with her toddling around. I tried to enjoy my glass of wine, but in between chasing after Emily and my munching on the appetizers (because I am starving), it took hours to finish a glass! Emily starts getting pretty whiny and asking for "ba-ba". I am thinking to myself that this is probably a great idea, it's getting late! She's in her jammies, so I get her bottle ready and go into the bedroom. As soon as we get in there and turn off the lights, she get very anwry with me. She wants to play on the bed, pull on the blinds, hit me, kick me.....on and on. I am trying to be so patient, she is getting more whiny and obnoxious. Grandma knocks on the door to offer help. I hand her the bottle, say "yes, please take her for the rest of the night" and I locked myself into the bathroom.
This is the point where I lost it. I just sat down and started sobbing. At that moment my emotions were so overwhelming! I felt so much frustration of doing everything alone! I felt like I wasn't able to enjoy anything. I felt sadness about being alone. I felt sadness about where my life is. I felt sadness about everything that has led to where we are today. I felt such overwhelming guilt about feeling frustrated with Emily! I didn't want to be upset with my daughter and that was the worst feeling. It's not her fault! I sat there for a while, just crying and letting it all out. I began to realize that I honestly haven't had a chance to have a good cry in a long time. I've been too wrapped up with being happy for Emily and making sure she's happy and all her needs are met that I really have never sat down and been able to feel the feelings or cry about what has happened to me and to us. (Oh yah, and I quit smoking)
So, I blow my nose, dry my tears and I go back into the bedroom where Emily is now happily playing and loving on Grandma. Mom asks me if everything is okay. I start crying again and tell her no. I told her that I'm feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and so GUILTY for feeling this way. My brother is in the room with us. He comes over to me and puts his arm around me. My momma tells me that this is all so normal and that everyone is more than happy to help with little Emily. My sweet pea, bless her heart for she is such a momma's girl, starts whining for me to pick her up off of the bed. I have to add that the whiny voice is really wearing on me because she does not whine to anyone else. Uncle Brentie swoops up Emily and takes her to the living room to play. It's at this point that I realize again how awesome my family is. And I also wonder to myself, "why do I wait so long to ask for help"?
Sarah gets me a full glass of wine, we go to the living room and I'm feeling better already. They are busy entertaining Emily (and an apartment full of guests) and I am able to attempt relaxation. I also smoked a cigarette (ok, three) and decided not to be so hard on myself about it. I decided to quit smoking at a pretty stressful time in my life.
I ended up really enjoying the rest of my evening. Emily had fun playing with family and other guests and I felt relief. It really felt so good to finally cry. I have been waiting since September of last year to have a good cry. I think this was only the tip of the iceburg as far as crying and healing go, but I'm on my way. And ya know, I'm doing pretty damn good considering what I've been through.