Always Remember

Always remember to forget

The things that made you sad

But never forget to remember

The things that made you glad.

Always remember to forget

The friends that proved untrue

But never forget to remember

Those that have stuck by you.

Always remember to forget

The troubles that have passed away

But never forget to remember

The blessings that come each day

~Author Unknown

Smile for me!

A Smile costs nothing, but gives much.
It enriches those who receive, without making poorer those who give.
It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so poor, but that he can be made rich by it.
A Smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business, and is the countersign of friendship.
It brings rest to the weary, cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and it is nature's best antidote for trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen,
for it is something that is of no value to anyone, until it is given away.
Some people are too tired to give you a smile;
Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.
~Author Unknown

Goodbye old year, hello new year!!

Ok, time for another dedication to 2007.

I have so much pain, turmoil and aggrevation going on in my life right now, that's it's time for me to reflect upon the wonderful things in my life.

First and foremost, Emily Jane. She has brought so much joy and love into my life. Thank you so much, Emmi girl, momma has never needed you more!
My dearest momma, Cheri Ann. Thank you for being there for me, even when we are far apart! I have never needed you more in my life!!

My dearest and nearest friends, I appreciate all of your support and I love you more than ever! Even if we don't talk very often, I know you're there and please know that you're in my heart! I know who my true friends are!

To all of you, thank you again, I wouldn't be able to survive this without you!

My BFF's

Old Friends..........
Old friends provide continuity to our lives. They love us through the good times and bad. Lifelong friends are the only ones who remember us as children or young people. They can see past growing older and back to the ponytail days. Old friends offer us context, reference points, while current friends only know who we are today. Example: when we worry about our kids (of any age), old friends can remind us that we were once just as unwise- and we survived. Old friends can provide puzzle pieces to our past. They remember people, places and circumstances that we have long forgotten. Old friends can help us see the progress we've made in life. Lifelong pals help is process the stages of life as we intimately share our joys, fears and heartaches.

Then:

Now:

I love all of you so very much!! More pictures to come....old and new!!

2007 is finally here!

I am really looking forward to what this new year brings me. 2006 has many bittersweet memories for me.... and I have been very excited to move on!
It held the very first year of my beautiful daughters life! And all of the joy and love that brought to my life has been the greatest gift!
It also brought the painful end to a five year relationship with the man I truly thought I was going to be with forever. Boy, have I learned a lot! And I've grown a lot!
All of the good and all of the bad.... Each has had a very valuable lesson. I am becoming really proud of the person I am! I feel like I have my true self back! I really appreciate myself as a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister. And it feels so good!
Here's to 2007, and to me!

Five Things....

Five uplifting things said to me:
1. "You are such a beautiful mommy, you are so natural at it."
2. "She (Emily) radiates warmth, beauty and love....just like her mother."
3. "You look just like your mother."
4. "Hello gorgeous."
5. "Can we have a daughter exactly like yours?"

Five painful things said to me:
1. "You really should reconsider ever having children." (This was before emily...)
2. "I've been dating him for the past 3 months...."
3. "He was planning on moving up here"
4. "They just really need me to work for another couple of days..."
5. "You just don't think"

Five things I'd do again in a heartbeat:
1. The first year of my childs life! Every day has been such a gift...I would never trade it for anything in the world...but I'd love to do it again! (hopefully someday I'll have more!)
2. Everything with Rocky, even through all of the pain and heartbreak I am going through now, I have the best part of him! I'd do anything for my sweet Emily Jane. Plus I have learned so much about love, life and people... I honestly wouldn't trade it. I don't know if I'll ever love like that again...it's too risky.
3. Leave the office to work at home
4. Help a girlfriend through her pregnancy
5. Go Blonde!

Five things I'd do differently:
1. I'd ask for help and support from friends and family during childbirth, delivery and recovery
2. Work harder at nursing my baby
3. Stand up for myself in school and the years to follow
4. Be exactly who I wanted to be in highschool without the fear of judgement by others
5. Exercise and eat right!

Five of my sweetest memories:
1. Finding out that we were having a baby, and knowing it had been created from pure love (Something I still know)
2. Being Pregnant
3. Holding my daughter for the first time
4. My best-friendship with my brother and growing up so close together
5. The good times with Rocky

Five memories I'd rather forget:
1. The day "she" came over
2. The ultimate in betrayal from my previous "friends"
3. Things said/done hurtful in my relationship with Rocky
4. A lot of "events" involving my father
5. Hangovers!

Feeling Alone

It's one of those days..... I'm feeling so alone. Like there's no one in the world who would ever understand how I'm feeling. Feeling this way usually pushes me further away from people. All of my life I have tried so hard to be there for everyone, to understand them and to be there for them. Sometimes I feel like I have yet to find someone who will put out that effort for me.

It's my fault.

I sugar-coat all of my feelings. How is anyone to ever know how I'm really feeling anyways if I don't tell them the real truth. I always act like everything is okay, that I'm strong, I'll be okay. Sometimes I don't feel okay. I put myself in this position and now I'm punishing myself for it.
Self-destruction.
Something that I am so good at.
Earlier when I was on the phone with one of my bestest friends, I should've told her that I was depressed and feeling so alone. I should've told her that I feel my world crumbling around me. I should've told her that I just need someone to listen and feel for me.
Because when Rocky calls, we're not very good at that kind of stuff. I pour my heart to him and I want him to feel so emotional for me, and when he doesn't - I punish him by telling him to forget it, I'm fine. I can see and hear it happening, but it's already too late.
This is one thing that I really want to change about myself. My entire life I've spent being so strong, no matter what was going on around me. It's amazing actually the things I've endured in my life. A lot of pain and sadness. But you'll probably never see me weak. Which is an amazing quality, considering. But now, I need the help of someone else. I am carrying too much. I need someone to lean on, someone to pour my heart to, someone's shoulder to cry on.
I have those kinds of friends.
But my problem is that I don't allow myself to feel so much around them. Why? Honestly, I wouldn't care if they saw me cry. I guess it's just hard for me to feel so much and be emotional around others.
Asking for help has always been my biggest issue.
That's it~
I can't ask for help. Why? When I look back, I wish I would've asked for help. I wish I would've reached out and just asked, even just for support.

And I can see that this is a huge downfall in my relationship with Rocky, too. I don't ask anyone else for support, so all of my support relies on him. I lean hugely on him. And I honestly think it's too much. Too much for him and too much for our relationship to be healthy.
This is reason numero uno why I'm relieved that we are moving to a place where I have a support system. It's not really a system thats set up yet, but just being there I can feel the love.
It's home for me. I have friends and I have family. I actually have a place to go if I need to. I would have several open homes to choose from if I needed.
And that's just what I need.
I hope this takes the stress off of Rocky. I'm sorry that I do this to him. Rocky, I am sorry.

I just need help.

(See, that wasn't so bad)

I HAVE DECIDED....

That sometimes I need to do a little bit for myself~
This is it.
Here it is.
I intend for this blog to be my own personal journal - all about me and myself only.