It's one of those days..... I'm feeling so alone. Like there's no one in the world who would ever understand how I'm feeling. Feeling this way usually pushes me further away from people. All of my life I have tried so hard to be there for everyone, to understand them and to be there for them. Sometimes I feel like I have yet to find someone who will put out that effort for me.
It's my fault.
I sugar-coat all of my feelings. How is anyone to ever know how I'm really feeling anyways if I don't tell them the real truth. I always act like everything is okay, that I'm strong, I'll be okay. Sometimes I don't feel okay. I put myself in this position and now I'm punishing myself for it.
Self-destruction.
Something that I am so good at.
Earlier when I was on the phone with one of my bestest friends, I should've told her that I was depressed and feeling so alone. I should've told her that I feel my world crumbling around me. I should've told her that I just need someone to listen and feel for me.
Because when Rocky calls, we're not very good at that kind of stuff. I pour my heart to him and I want him to feel so emotional for me, and when he doesn't - I punish him by telling him to forget it, I'm fine. I can see and hear it happening, but it's already too late.
This is one thing that I really want to change about myself. My entire life I've spent being so strong, no matter what was going on around me. It's amazing actually the things I've endured in my life. A lot of pain and sadness. But you'll probably never see me weak. Which is an amazing quality, considering. But now, I need the help of someone else. I am carrying too much. I need someone to lean on, someone to pour my heart to, someone's shoulder to cry on.
I have those kinds of friends.
But my problem is that I don't allow myself to feel so much around them. Why? Honestly, I wouldn't care if they saw me cry. I guess it's just hard for me to feel so much and be emotional around others.
Asking for help has always been my biggest issue.
That's it~
I can't ask for help. Why? When I look back, I wish I would've asked for help. I wish I would've reached out and just asked, even just for support.
And I can see that this is a huge downfall in my relationship with Rocky, too. I don't ask anyone else for support, so all of my support relies on him. I lean hugely on him. And I honestly think it's too much. Too much for him and too much for our relationship to be healthy.
This is reason numero uno why I'm relieved that we are moving to a place where I have a support system. It's not really a system thats set up yet, but just being there I can feel the love.
It's home for me. I have friends and I have family. I actually have a place to go if I need to. I would have several open homes to choose from if I needed.
And that's just what I need.
I hope this takes the stress off of Rocky. I'm sorry that I do this to him. Rocky, I am sorry.
I just need help.
(See, that wasn't so bad)